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MTK The Writist

~ Homo sapiens digitalis

MTK The Writist

Tag Archives: san francisco

Late Tuesday Lee Budget Proposal Analysis

03 Tuesday May 2011

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budget, David Chiu, Ed Lee, enterprise divisions, Interim Mayor, pensions, san francisco, sf, tax

Spent the day reading Interim Mayor Lee’s May 1st Budget Proposal 2011-2012 for the so-called Enterprise Departments. It’s so smart and political to throw the good news out first, but even a cursory glance reveals debt relief and employee pensions and benefits to be exposed.

Salaries are ridiculous.

Much progress with small businesses in the Mission this week. Thank you so much for your support. I love you.

I promise a full analysis of this and all of Interim Mayor Lee’s budgets. I know how it is to not have time to read the budget. I am happy to do it for you.

Tonight, I’m going to go study this highly trumpeted 5-Year-Plan, meant to show that our former Chief Administrator knows how to expand our view of governance and give us a long-view of budgeting. With a 300 million dollar deficit, a long-view helps the medicine go down.

It’s bold forward-thinking, sure, but you can’t operate on a scale like this unless you are working with some large interests. I fear that like the Treasure Island boondoggle, such plans are riddled with pocket lining. If you follow the money it seems to me to be more about cementing a Gavin Newsom II and cronies galore into positions of power. I hate saying it this way, but candidacy demands honesty.

My policy and plan are different. I think we need a short-term budget to help redesign our city economy and that 2-year budgets and 1-year budgets that take stronger action show a flexibility by City governance. With new tech, things move pretty fast – we can make decisions, try them and be more creative and fluid – not locked in to 5-year deals with special interests. My budgets will be more detailed because I propose a full and transparent Audit of departments to be set before the voters – not a .pdf of the net numbers.

We must address the waste. Vote Karthik Rajan, and the Mayor’s salary comes down with everybody else’s – we scale back, streamline, economize. We redistribute and slow growth until we have a more equitable cost of living for all our residents.

It’s unfair to comment further without a full study of Interim Mayor Lee’s Plan, so I will stop there.

I did notice that candidate Chiu, perhaps reacting to my claim that his work on the Twitter deal shows a lack of creativity in revenue generation, posted a link on his website about a creative way to generate income from technology – leasing out city infrastructure that carries data to private interests with greater need for bandwidth. Good idea, David, well done. I thought such resources must exist, I hope that with your position as Board President you can suss details and give us some concrete numbers for such a proposal.

May Day Toward A Saner Future

01 Sunday May 2011

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David Cay Johnston, Free Lunch, Karthik Rajan, Mayor, media, policy, san francisco, sf

The best of wishes to all on May Day, which in 2011 reveals whole systems of laborers being redefined by changing technology and the rising cost of fossil fuel, a corporate controlled media system owned by very few who present information in a narrow manner at great volume to try to make their viewpoint a national narrative, system-wide corruption that serves wealthy overlords who govern through pseudo-democracy – which in any case we don’t seem to value enough to employ as voter turnout is shameful in the United States.

And since the State is broke, instead of coming up with creative solutions or taxing the rich, it launches straight-out attacks on worker’s rights. The State of Wisconsin unilaterally cheated Unions of representation and tea-partiers sell the line because of a perception of corruption and manipulation by Unions that has been manufactured and pushed by among others, an Aussie incorporated in Britain, Rupert Murdoch, through his network [FOX] and newspaper [WSJ].

In the USA, of course, we do Labor Day in September at the end of summer, but for Labour Day, I propose we really consider how our austerity measures are going to look. We have no choice. We cannot paper over the numbers or pretend the City isn’t broke, or worse running at a deficit. But we must protect our workers. In fact, we need to make taxation more equitable and spread more widely rather than author exceptions to law as the Board has done for Twitter.

David Cay Johnston’s book Free Lunch, Porfolio (Penguin), 2007, which is subtitled How the Wealthiest Americans Enrich Themselves at Government Expense (and stick you with the bill), is an excellent read that exposes the facts. Here’s a nice post about taxation over at The World’s Got Problems blog.

There are a lot of creative ways we can generate revenue without cutting into pensions and ending city jobs. and there are lots of ways to redistribute current spending. Take a look at my campaign promises, I will lead us to savings and a surplus economy.

Vote Karthik Rajan for Mayor of San Francisco.

My Name is Karthik

30 Saturday Apr 2011

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Karthik Rajan, Mayor, san francisco, sf

I was born in India and moved to the United States when I was two. I’ve been a U.S. citizen for 30 years and have lived in the San Francisco Bay Area for most of those years.

I’ve traveled around the world seven times, living in New York, LA, Japan, India, Europe, South America and elsewhere, but I have always returned to the SF Bay, which I consider my beloved home. I love SF.

I want to be the Mayor because I am sure I can run the city better than any of the other candidates. I have the creativity and energy to do what is required to cut deficits and generate revenue. I’m an Independent, progressive and eager to clean house.

Please vote for Karthik Rajan as your first, second or third choice for Mayor of San Francisco. Together, we can make sure our city stays an amazing place, filled with art and compassion, different from every great city that ever existed and yet great in our own way. Join us. Let’s maintain our city and bring back our most important values.

Karthik Rajan

(first posted, February 11, 2011)

Welcome growing numbers of followers!

28 Thursday Apr 2011

Posted by mtk in politics, Uncategorized

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Karthik Rajan for Mayor, Mayor, san francisco, sf

Since the Exploratory Committee began in November of last year, we have had steady growth in numbers of followers and I haven’t addressed it in some time, so I thought I’d just write a quick note to welcome new followers and encourage all of you to continue the word of mouth campaign that we have begun.

on Twitter it’s @KarthikRajanSF

and I encourage you to click the “Karthik’s Tweets” if you don’t Twitter because there is a live-action, daily, contemporaneous commentary happening there and you can read all of this continuity in one sitting and get a good grasp of where I stand on current issues as they arise.

You can now also just direct any voter to one address to get here:

http://karthikrajanformayor.org

I will be filing papers sometime in May or June and establishing an HQ in June, although I intend to spend most of the SF summer in cafe’s, bars, restaurants, parks and at events conducting:

The Karthik Rajan Listening Tour of San Francisco 2011

wherein you will help me fill the balloon of my candidacy with the breath of your interests, needs and desires from your next Mayor.

Spend some time and read the blog and feel free to comment anywhere (volunteers welcome) and I will retrieve your comment and reply.

Thanks,

Karthik

The Birds in SF Share Better Than the Board of Supervisors

24 Sunday Apr 2011

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birds, Board of Supervisors, David Chiu, Ed Lee, giveaway, Karthik Rajan, Mayor, pigeon, san francisco, seagull, sf, share, tax-break, Twitter

Last year, I documented birds near the Mid-Market Exception Zone that know how to share.

and now I see it as a metaphor for what the Board of Supervisors and Interim Mayor Ed Lee failed to understand about the laws they are changing, beginning with The Twitter Giveaway of 2011.

We have been talking about being afraid of the Manhattanization of San Francisco for some time now – at least since back in the 90’s – and yet we have been unable to resist this rampant development of condominiums and new structures that no one here can afford.

I see now that all these empty dwellings have been built for new employees of all the new Twitter-like businesses that will be arriving because the Board and Mayor Lee have struck down one of the pillars of our very strict tax code – brand new san franciscans most, since they rarely hire local folk.

New, young stylish grads from Yale and Harvard, MIT and Stanford, at least some of whom will be of the type we have seen already – the ones who avoid-eye-contact and civic responsibility, enrich themselves, vote for development and sit/lie laws and aid the driving out of what they deem unsightly: the unwanted poor, the homeless, the ten- and fifteen- and twenty-year San Franciscans who have just managed to survive as the cost of living has skyrocketed. At least some of them will be the Manhattanizers.

But with the upcoming vote over Treasure Island Development I’ve realized a new fear:

The HongKongification of San Francisco.

Do these pro-business, high energy politicians think we should be growing like the last decade that has created these dense cities of Asia? Do they see unlimited space for growth? Do they not know about our long history of containing that growth for aesthetic reasons and civic responsibility?

San Francisco should stay a sweet, small City with its own identity: one of tolerance, compassion, care for our smallest citizens and local businesses. We can develop our new 21st Century SF, but we don’t have to do it like the Asians have or New York did. We should do it our way: slow and steady.

Vote Karthik Rajan for Mayor, an Independent outsider who will stand up to corrupt lifelong politicians and the dozens of interests that support them.

I will demand for all of us that we scale down the SF economy for four years. I will then use half of that time to audit and evaluate our Departments and the current unchecked growth; will identify and reduce waste and re-organize, restructure and reboot the City for a better future for our children.

I will not seek re-election and I will return $400,000 back to the City’s Board and next Mayor upon departure from office, as stated in my first Campaign promise, so, if you vote for me for Mayor, when my term is done, I will give $400,000 plus interest back to the City.

Vote Karthik Rajan and we will pay less for a better quality of life.

The Twitter Deal Represents Failure of Creativity by David Chiu

15 Friday Apr 2011

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Board of Supervisors, David Chiu, deal, Ed Lee, giveaway, Interim Mayor, san francisco, sf, tax-break, Twitter

We should be making these people help us bridge deficits and maintain our sweet, lovely city.

What Kind of Mayor Would You Rather Have?

09 Saturday Apr 2011

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2011, campaign, elect, Karthik Rajan, Mayor, san francisco

Well, the campaign is entering a new and more public phase with the addition of the tech tools that are defining our generation and, in keeping with the transparency of both the campaign and the blog, I thought I’d outline my plans for the next few months.

We are consolidating all websites under karthikrajanformayor.org and the blog will be at karthikrajanformayor/blog as soon as tomorrow night. I will be adding mailchimp and formspring to the blog as well – so feedback is going to be much more possible quite soon. I’m learning many of these new tools as we go, by the way, so if you have any encouraging suggestions, I am wide open.

I am looking for a good UNION printer in the City that I can use throughout the campaign.

As a progressive I’ve committed to using union printing for every campaign I’ve ever been involved in. It’s important to support small businesses and unions – which are under assault even in Wisconsin, a place I don’t imagine to be conservative.

Once we have established a relationship, I will be bringing in designs for all the campaign business cards, posters, yard signs, buttons and flyers – so hopefully before this month is over all of that will happen.

The Campaign Office will open June 1st.

This summer I am proud to announce:

The Karthik Rajan Listening Tour

San Francisco Summer 2011

My candidacy is the result of decades of training and study, but the platform of my campaign is up to YOU. This summer, come meet me at cafe’s, bars and events all over San Francisco and tell me what you want from the Mayor’s office. My campaign is meant to be accessible, transparent and pedestrian because – as our great Governor Jerry Brown said the other day on Southwest Airlines when a reporter asked him why he was flying commercial coach: “I like the people.”

What kind of a Mayor would you rather have?

I offer a candidate who has traveled around the world seven times, thrice in the last six years; who speaks several languages, who loves SF and knows its neighborhoods and the whole Bay Area very well; who cares to represent the culture and flavor of SF rather than to reform it in the image of big corporations; whose favorite Mayors were Willie Brown and Art Agnos, who loves the Giants and the amazing diversity of our city and supports small business, immigrants, the homeless, the poor and the underrepresented over big business.

Check out my first three campaign promises and I look forward to meeting you and discussing our plan for how to govern San Francisco in 2012.

Sincerely,

Karthik Rajan

Karthik Rajan, Anti-Crony, Says the Board Failed with Twitter

07 Thursday Apr 2011

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2011, exemption, Mayor, san francisco, San Francisco Board of Supervisors, taxes, Twitter

Interim Mayor Ed Lee, Head of the Board David Chiu and novice Supervisor Jane Kim rushed the City into a relationship with Twitter and have failed to represent SF’s citizens in recent negotiations concerning Twitter, Zynga and other corporations.

We wouldn’t know if it weren’t for the Bay Guardian. Now we do know that to some in City Hall, this year of Interim Mayoralty is meant to cement the candidate who will represent corporate interests in the Mayor’s race. This Interim group of leaders has just erased a long-standing principle in SF that defended us against corporate raiding of our precious town.

Twitter is an amazing technology and is nearly single-handedly changing the way we communicate. San Franciscans should be proud of this remarkable company. But Twitter and other startups should be obliged to share their biggest gains with the citizens of SF. If they cannot, then they don’t share our values. What should have happened is a serious negotiation, with specific terms that make demands of Twitter and other companies to invest in SF and help us bridge deficits.

Vote for me, Karthik Rajan and I promise to be serious about the cost of living in San Francisco. Check the video below for more.

The Twitter Deal is Unnecessary Corporate Protection

06 Wednesday Apr 2011

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2011, Karthik Rajan, Mayor, san francisco, San Francisco Board of Supervisors, taxes, Twitter

The Twitter Deal – Mayor Lee and Supervisor Chiu Cave In

05 Tuesday Apr 2011

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Board of Supervisors, David Chiu, deal, Ed Lee, giveaway, Interim, Karthik Rajan, Mayor, san francisco, sf, tax-break, Twitter

Moving right along, I now have a twitter account:

@karthikrajansf

and am following San Francisco Mayor Edwin Lee and Board of Supervisors Chair David Chiu, who are tweeting away with great vigor about how we all need to sign their petition and support their plan to Keep Twitter in San Francisco!

The irony isn’t lost on me. I rented an apartment in the Mission District for $400 a month just 15 years ago and now a great big black bus from Google delivers employees to and from my old neighborhood so they can pay $1200 a month to live there.

The SFBG is right on this one and kudos to Steven T. Jones and Tim Redmond for their great work these past few weeks exposing what is basically a terrible break from precedent, guaranteed to gentrify neighborhoods and raise rents for everyone living in them.

The Twitter deal exemplifies the changes in San Francisco government, policy and culture that I am protesting in my appeal for your vote for Mayor.

We want good companies to come to San Francisco and stay here, but we want them to invest in our city – not take from it.

At stake is a small percentage of the stock options of Twitter employees – which are bound to be worth tens of millions to our city when the company goes IPO – and my chief opponent and the Mayor are just giving away those funds. More importantly they are trashing a hard fought right to demand that corporations that come to our city commit to investing in the welfare of all our citizens and not just their employees.

It’s a sad day in San Francisco. The Twitter deal is a nightmare that sets a precedent we don’t want and makes us vulnerable to dozens of other companies making similar demands.

Mayor Lee and Chairman Chiu are dead wrong and if it upsets you as much as it does  me, Chris Daly and the SFBG, then please cast your vote in November for me, Karthik Rajan, for Mayor of San Francisco.

It is time to set right the course of our city back to the values we all cherish: compassion for the homeless, the poor, renters and immigrant communities – and away from corporate protectionism.

Commercial Space SOMA 65 cents/sq. foot?

31 Thursday Mar 2011

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commercial property, Karthik Rajan, Mayor, san francisco, sf, SOMA

The weather has finally turned sunny and warm and that crisp feeling of spring has arrived. March felt like one long extended February. 2011 wine is probably going to be interesting. The agricultural sector received beautiful pulses of regular rain for six straight weeks! Marvelous. Perhaps our fire season will be mellower as a result.

This past week, I had a few real estate agents show me 10,000 square foot warehouse space in the South of Market area. The rates have been far too high for more than a dozen years now – empty spaces abound and there’s desperation to rent them. What a change from the madness that since 1995 has sent us spiraling up to unaffordability.

I now think it’s reasonable to demand no more than 65 cents per square foot of those owners for the first year, at least through this election year. Nobody’s going to make a move until 11/08/11 anyway.  So let’s ease the pressure on all of us and bring it back to 90’s levels. The rents only went up because people were willing to pay them. Those folks are the ones who drove out so many long time residents of SF. That’s how I got priced out of San Francisco long ago.

David Boyce, the saxophonist, composer and philosopher recently walked up to my good friend James on a street, shook his hand and said, “There’s only 46,000 of us in this town now.”  Meaning black men. sigh.

That’s what happened between 1997 and 2011 – the Manhattanization of San Fran – and that’s why I am running for Mayor.

These past few weeks, I walked through the city alone, and with my son and with my old friend James and had a few lovely meals: at Oaxacena, my contemporary favorite for chicken mole, at Limon, the new Peruvian place on Valencia near 16th and at Maverick, the now five-year old fine dining spot on 17th near Mission.

I discussed my campaign with Chris Daly and his gang at the Buck, with the sheriffs at City Hall and with friends at Zeitgeist, including two young men, Andrew and Danny, who are new to our town from Orange County. Imagine it, young men from that right-wing enclave out in the back yard of Zeitgeist taking in the sights and smells of tolerance! Andrew’s never going back and I guess Danny will be up here by election day.

I love this city.

Vote for me for Mayor first, second or third and we will have a great time keeping SF small and sweet and bringing the rents down.

Let Twitter go back to Silicon Valley where it belongs, I say. Tax the corporates who want to live here. The commodification of urban space should serve the citizens, not the corporations.

I am the only candidate that has from day one said I will tax the wealthy and the corporate interests to allow those of  us who live in and love this town more security, and today it’s in the Chronicle that most people in California agree that taxing the wealthy is the right move.

Watch how fast the other candidates take it up now. Jean Quan took my idea of giving back a portion of the Mayor’s salary in Oakland – just stole that one. Watch how often that happens this year and celebrate our success in driving the race back to compassion for small business, the poor, renters, homeless and immigrant communities.

stay tuned,

Karthik

Changes Afoot – Karthik Rajan for Mayor

11 Friday Feb 2011

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Karthik Rajan, Mayor, san francisco, sf

After long discussion with supporters,

I have decided to run as Karthik Rajan

rather than as M.T. Karthik, which has been a nom de plume for me for more than a dozen years, and how I have been known “on the air” and in the art world.

I want all of my supporters to know and trust me.

My name is Karthik. I was born in India and moved to the United States first when I was two.

I have been a U.S. citizen for 30 years and have lived in the San Francisco Bay Area for most of those years.

I’ve traveled around the world seven times, living in New York, LA, Japan, India, Europe, South America and elsewhere, but I have always returned to the SF Bay, which I consider my beloved home. I love SF. I want to be the Mayor because I am sure I can run the city better than any of the other candidates. I’m an Independent, progressive and eager to clean house.

Please vote for Karthik Rajan as your first, second or third choice for Mayor of San Francisco. Together, we can make sure our city stays an amazing place, filled with art and compassion, different from every great city that ever existed and yet great in our own way. Join us. Let’s maintain our city and bring back our most important values.

Karthik Rajan

Seagull Helps Pigeons at Dawn in SF, 2010

18 Saturday Dec 2010

Posted by mtk in fauna, music video, S.F., short film

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2010, Karthik, m.t., mtk, pigeon, san francisco, seagull

Gaining Steam and Overcoming Doubts

07 Tuesday Dec 2010

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Karthik Rajan, Mayor, san francisco, sf

After a long discussion with supporters, we decided to drop Not to Win, But to Nudge, which was our old campaign motto, in favor of:

Karthik for Mayor

Not Impossible

which leaves the matter a little more open-ended.

I’ve been feeling out responses from old friends. In all honesty, the legitimacy of my campaign is up to YOU.

I wonder, too, whether many of the artists and DJ’s I know from when I arrived for good to SF in 1993 – DJ Consuelo, the gang from Dalva, Rigo 23 and his crowd, any of the many hundreds of people I have enjoyed a drink with in neighborhoods around town over the years – will be supportive of this effort. I wonder whether my uncle, who has lived in Twin Peaks for more than thirty years will find it idiotic.

It certainly isn’t a joke. I have walked the length and breadth of the city over the last 25 years and know people in every neighborhood because I love it. I want to care for SF and feel prepared to lead us into less expensive, smarter, more efficient and caring government and away from corporate capital and smarm;

To bring back the SF values of compassion for the poor, homeless and renters in our town, and away from those who would “clean it up” by making it a mall that looks like every other city in the U.S.A.

To give the Office of Mayor of San Francisco an independent face, free of influence from Villaraigosa, the Clintons and others who are using our culture and our whole town to support ends we don’t support.

San Francisco was always an independent city with good values, different from the whole rest of the country.  What I represent in my campaign for Mayor is why we all moved here – a choice who’s not a Democrat, nor a Republican, nor a Libertarian, nor a Green, nor a Peace and Freedom candidate, but who shares the best values of all of these in SF and more that we share together uniquely as a free, progressive city.

Our values make SF the best place to live in the world – and they are being bought out by rich Democrats.

I hope all of you will see that what I’m doing is not only necessary, but that I’m really the best suited to do it. This is not, as JFR reminded me, quixotic.

So on your ballot in November please do make Karthik Rajan your first, second or third choice for Mayor

and you won’t be sorry.

In fact, I guarantee you it will feel good.

Karthik

Karthik For Mayor San Francisco 2011

05 Sunday Dec 2010

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Mayor, mtk, san francisco, sf

I will be officially launching my campaign for Mayor of San Francisco at 7a.m., Friday, the 21st of January at the Main Library in San Francisco.

I intend to run a campaign of transparency and this blog will serve that end. Feel free to respond, comment and make suggestions here.

On Thanksgiving, JFR and I launched the campaign website:

www.mtkarthik.org

and later that day, I walked with my good friend James around the Mission and floated the notion of my candidacy with him. James and I are old SF friends and it is comforting to have a stable voice reassure me it isn’t an utterly foolish thing to do.

We had a couple of  games of chess at Muddy Waters at 24th and then walked down to Mission Street, meandering. We ran into his friend Raul, who criticized my campaign promise to not accept 50k of the Mayor’s salary and rather to return $200k to the City at the end of my term as Mayor. Raul’s like, “Don’t give it back to the City?! Give it to Food Not Bombs … or somebody like that!” He was incredulous that I would do such an idiotic thing as trust the Board of Supervisors with money I could save the City! ha!

At 16th street we dropped into Forest Books, where we talked with Bob about my independent campaign for Mayor. Forest Books has been there for a dozen years and we reflected on how that corner has changed. James chose nonfiction while I picked a novel by Montalban.

Further up 16th street opposite Albion, where Swan’s car/residence was parked for a decade or more, we ran into Swan, himself. I didn’t tell him I was running for Mayor. I did tell him I remember picking up a Daily Swan the day Herb Caen died and that the first words were: “Caen died yrs. ago I say!” and we laughed. I also told him I remember the day they towed his car from Albion and what a shame and embarrassment I considered it. He called me his best friend. kinda bummed me out. I picked up four new  Daily Swan’s and, always topical, he was covering the Sit/Lie Law. We continued our stroll up to Mission Dolores, round past the palms to Market, then back down to Valencia.

We stopped at Zeitgeist. I was there when O.J. took the Bronco and the LAPD for a ride. I had gone to Zeitgeist to watch the NBA Finals. I walked James back near his spot. We had hot chocolate at Oaxacena and I made my way to North Beach.

I meant to go to Spec’s to see my favorite photograph of the City, but they were closed for the holiday and so I ended up at Vesuvio, where Janet and the others there had served food to many North Beachers and were winding down and cleaning up. The exposed heart of Baudelaire is gone and Janet and I talked about Ken Huerta.

Well, the Exploratory Committee to Elect Karthik for Mayor of SF 2011, is open for discourse.

Sincerely,

Karthik

The Night the SF Giants Won the World Series, Civic Center, SF, 2010

01 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by mtk in baseball, journalism, S.F., short film

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2010, Bochy, Bruce, Buster, City, civic center, game 5, giants, Hall, Lincecum, November 1, Posey, san francisco, series, sf, Tim, win, world

The Giants Win the Pennant, 2010

24 Sunday Oct 2010

Posted by mtk in baseball, S.F., short film

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2010, final, Francisco, giants, house, Karthik, League, m.t. karthik, mtk, National, out, pennant, public, reaction, San, san francisco, wilson

Eleven to Eleven in the Bottom of the Eleventh, 2010

09 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by mtk in baseball, essay

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2010, AT&T Park, back, behind, Cincinnati, come, comeback, extra, from, giants, greatest, history, innings, Karthik, loss, m.t. karthik, mtk, Reds, run, san francisco, Sandoval, sf, ten, Votto, Zito

[this was the Championship Season, August, amidst Lincecum’s first crash]

First Pitch 1:06pm – Indian Summer began with a heat wave and the warm weather seems to correlate directly with baseballs sailing out of AT&T Park.

The Giants, a great pitching team that struggled to produce three or four runs a game in San Francisco‘s foggy, cool summers, had, with the heat, flipped the script, smashing the ball against the surging, Central Division-leading Reds – scoring 27 runs in the first two night games to win 16-5 and 11-2. It was the beginning of a home-run fiesta that would carry the Giants to the playoffs.

Headed into the city on BART that morning after the long-ball fest of the two previous nights, we met lots of Giants fans looking for a sweep.

We all talked about how the day game would be even warmer, and hoped Giants bats would stay hot. More than once we heard the refrain: “I wish they’d save some of those runs and scatter them across a few games.”

We were excited to see Madison Bumgarner, the newest member of the starting rotation, a tall, strong 21-year old with big-time game. It would also be my first time seeing the Reds’ Joey Votto live. He didn’t disappoint.

In the first, with two men down, Votto blasted a two-run homer. Worse, his was followed by back-to-back solo shots by Jonny Gomes and Ryan Hanigan that got out of the park in a hurry. The Reds shelled Bumgarner mercilessly before that last out. Reds 4, Giants 0.

Though the Giants were down big before they’d even had a chance to bat, my son, the woman to my right, her son (wearing a floppy-eared Panda hat) and I all agreed not to let it bother us. Giants batters were coming off 27 runs in two nights! Pandahat favored Aubrey Huff.

Yes, game we were, in the face of four runs, and, as if to prove us and the whole universe true, Bumgarner settled down in the second, and in the bottom half Jose Guillen singled to left, was advanced to second by a Sandoval base hit (much to Pandahat’s excitement) and to third by an Uribe sac-fly. The Giants chiseled him across the plate from third on a Freddy Sanchez single. Reds 4, Giants 1.

But in the top of the third, the 21-year-old Bumgarner lost it with two outs again. Rolen doubled, Gomes singled, Hanigan walked on a full count and Drew Stubbs tripled to clear the bases. Just like that it was seven to nothing. Ugh.

Then, just when we thought it couldn’t possibly get worse, the poor kid blew it like I haven’t seen since Little League.

With two outs, three men in, and Stubbs standing on third, Righetti and Bochy decided to intentionally walk Paul Janish to set up the force out at second, first or home.

So picture it: runner on third. catcher Buster Posey standing up, glove-arm extended. The ump’s got his hands on his hips. Janish at the plate is barely even in his stance – holding the bat in a  relaxed posture awaiting his walk.

And then suddenly, Madison Bumgarner throws a wild pitch on an intentional ball! Missed Buster entirely! And Stubbs scores from third on an E1. Reds 8, Giants 1.

I had no idea what to say. Talk about brain freeze. I looked at my son between the top and bottom of the inning, speechless. I ran through the list of clichés out loud:

“Hey you know, there’s no clock in baseball, it’s the most changeable sport, anything could happen. A coupla runs here, a solid inning in relief there and a couple-few more runs, and we’re right back in this thing.”

It was weak, but the woman to my left chimed in appropriately and together, we showed strength in the face of adversity to the boys – but not before she leaned over and whispered “I wish they’d saved some of those runs from yesterday to scatter across a few games.”

Then again, torturously, with two outs in the fourth, in his first at-bat against our new right-hander Ramon Ramirez, Joey Votto homered for the second time. It was impressive. He worked the count against the second pitcher he’d face that day and calmly jacked a solo shot to left. Votto already had two big flies and three batted in. Reds 9, Giants 1.

When the Giants failed to score in the bottom of the fourth, a lot of people left, but the woman to my right and her son stayed. They minded our stuff as we took a quick walk down to concessions to see if it might change our luck. My son flipped his hat round, the first of many rally caps I’d see that day. We never leave games, but this one just got worse.

In the fifth, with two outs, Ramirez walked Stubbs, then issued a back-to-back, full count walk to Janish and finally capped his performance by yielding a single to the pitcher, Homer Bailey, scoring Stubbs.

Santiago Casilla came in to get the last out and stood on the mound facing people’s backs as they climbed the steps to scramble out, and a frustrated remaining crowd. In a tension-relieving moment akin to broken glass Casilla then beaned Reds second baseman Brandon Phillips.

It was inadvertent, but took Philips out of the game, clearly bothered, in the sixth. Casilla then just took a strikeout, so his box reads: one beaning and one strikeout in a third of an inning’s work! That was enough for our seatmates, who bolted up the steps – Panda ears a-flappin’.

And that was how the Giants got down ten to one in the first five innings of a game we now refer to as one of the greatest comeback performances in SF Giants history.

When the Giants came up to bat in the fifth down ten to one, there were maybe 20,000 of us left, enjoying a rare, hot day at the park. It was a gorgeous Wednesday afternoon and there really wasn’t a better place to be in SF. Oh, the waning light in Indian Summer, then, like a consolation gift to us for staying.

Giants recent acquisition Mike Fontenot drew a lead-off walk and Andres Torres singled and then – what, what? – Aubrey Huff advanced both to scoring position with a grounder. When Pat Burrell singled to right to bring in two runs, we made noise. Reds 10, Giants 3.

All year, our expensive left-handed reliever Jeremy Affeldt – whom we’d signed last year to a two-year, nine million dollar deal – has struggled in relief. He seemed as likely to throw a wild pitch as a strike. When he entered the game in the sixth, I felt Manager Bruce Bochy and Pitching Coach Dave Righetti had given up on this one.

I assumed they were happy taking two of three from the Reds over the week and had decided to use this opportunity to help some guys who’ve been struggling work out kinks. I had resigned myself to watching Affeldt fail before he even threw a pitch and even prepared my son for it.

Affeldt had taken a beating in the press and been shown up significantly by left-handed acquisition Javier Lopez, a specialist, whom the Giants pay one tenth of his salary. Affeldt watched Lopez enter games in pressure situations just days before – in San Diego and at home – and end them with less than ten pitches. It must have been a blow to his ego.

Affeldt stepped up and closed out the sixth without giving up a hit. Three up, three down. An electricity passed through us. None of our guys want to be the one not carrying his weight. Anybody who loves effort and was at AT&T Park that day fell in love with this team.

In the sixth, Juan Uribe hit a one-out single to short, just beating the tag. Nate Schierholtz – pinch hitting for Affeldt who’d done his job – smashed a double to right, sending Uribe to third. After five and two-thirds, the Reds pulled Bailey with a seven-run lead and brought Bill Bray in relief.

It was Bray’s wild pitch that made everybody sit up. It was a parallel to Bumgarner’s run-scoring wild pitch in the first – karma. This one brought Uribe home and sent Schierholtz to third. Fontenot then stepped up with one down and grounded out to second, allowing Schierholtz to cross the plate. Reds 10, Giants 5.

Now, the vibe in the building was palpably “no-hitterish“. It was ten to five. Nobody wanted to talk about a comeback for fear of jinxing it. But there was an excitement after that wild pitch – like maybe the Reds were more vulnerable in relief.

We were all two days full of recent memories of towering homers by Posey and Uribe and Burrell – could the Giants come back? I wondered what Kruk, Kuip and Jon were talking about. [still haven’t heard what I’m told is an epic broadcast].

In the seventh, the Reds brought Logan Ondrusek in relief of Bray, Sergio Romo pitched for the Giants, and both pitchers held.

Still down five now in the top of the eighth, the Giants brought closer Brian Wilson in early to keep the Giants within reach. Wilson, who would go on to end the season with a major-league leading 48 saves is our nutty backstop – crazy as a loon, but who knows how to finish.

Again. In Wilson, we felt the fight in this team. The unwillingness to just rollover and call it a day because you’re down.

We went to the bottom of the eighth inning trailing by five runs, but having crept back to within striking distance against the Reds bullpen. Has there ever been a more exciting inning played by an SF team than the Giants eighth that day? That’s for historians to decide, but it was the craziest Giant inning I’ve ever seen live, hands down.

Guillen leads off with a single to left, and then Sandoval, to center – runners in the corners for Juan “One-Swing-of-the-Bat” Uribe. <BLAM> three run homer. Nobody out. Ondrusek done. Reds 10, Giants 8.

The Reds, suddenly only up two, scramble. Massive substitutions. Helsey in at left, Bruce at right and Arthur Rhodes on the mound to set up Cordero, the closer. It was crunch time and we, long-suffering Giant fans – desperately searching for situational hitting and run support – watched five of our guys make it happen.

Ross and Fontenot hit back to back singles to left and Torres jumped on a Rhodes change-up, smacking a stand-up double to the same part of the park, scoring both. Reds 10, Giants 10. And then in two quick at-bats against Rhodes, Posey and Huff earned sac-flies to bring Torres home, sliding to the plate to beat the throw. The Giants lead 11 to 10.

Wow. The place went crazy. My seven-year old was high-fiving seventy-year olds! It may have been the smallest standing ovation the Giants will ever receive, but it was unequaled in sincerity.

When I looked around it was apparent that since the fifth some fans had returned, or maybe had come in from a downtown bar to catch what they were seeing on TV or hearing about in the streets or on the radio – The Greatest Comeback in Giants History.

Now, there is some dispute about what constitutes a Great Comeback. To me, it isn’t a comeback unless you win. There are many who share this opinion. This definition dominates the view presented by the mainstream sports press. But for some, a comeback is defined by effort, as measured by the difference in the lead you make: if you were down by a hundred but lost by only two, it must have been a really amazing game, and you must have made superhuman effort though you took the loss.

I find this definition of a comeback without victory to be suspect in sports with only two opponents. Because, where in a foot race, it applies to the difference between second’s finish versus third’s in relation to first (and more importantly fourths distance from third), it makes no real sense where only two are competing against each other.

That said, the ten runs made up by the Giants to take the lead was the greatest deficit overcome in Giants history. We were exhilarated. The relief of tension was palpable. We all felt special. It was incredible. We were going to sweep the Reds, scoring almost 40 runs in three days. The elders behind us and my son were just glowing in the late afternoon light . . .

It’s a shame home games don’t last just eight innings. There’s those last three pesky outs to get. Even after a huge comeback achieved as a team, you have to stay focused … and seize the win. To me, that’s what makes it a comeback.

Now, here a word must be inserted about Pablo Sandoval. I was at a local pub the other night watching the game when Sandoval made the throwing error by sending the ball home with a force out at every bag without stepping on third, preventing a double play from ending the inning – a mental slip that allowed a run to score later and lose the game for the Giants- when a patron beside me said he blamed the marketing department for Pablo’s problems.

That was when I put it together. The Marketing department, desperate to replace Barry Bonds with a ‘batting persona’ forced the 23-year old Sandoval to become The Panda. And went nuts making Panda suits, hats, bobblies, glasses, mats, key chains, stuffies and everything else. Did anyone in marketing notice that our strength is pitching and that we need team play and contact hitters? It was undue pressure to put on Pablo Sandoval.

I enjoy shouting out to the players in encouragement when I am sitting low enough to be heard. We were just up the first base line behind the Reds dugout for this one and in the third I can remember shouting to Freddy Sanchez as he awaited a pitch with Panda on first, “Hey, Freddy, You got ‘em, man! They can’t touch you!”

Pablo, standing on first, turned, pointed at me from first with two black-gloved fingers and shouted, “That’s Right!” My son was thrilled. Freddy hit into a double play. It felt like poor Pablo was cursed.

With one out in the top of the ninth and the Giants up 11 to 10 after coming back from being down 10 to 1, the greatest comeback in Giants history, Brian Wilson delivered and the Reds’ Drew Stubbs hit a routine grounder to Sandoval. I was sitting right behind first base. I looked right at him. He scooped it up and had plenty of time.

For a second, I thought I saw his eyes looking right at us. And then I watched his right arm just go screwy and his face turn. The ball flew way wide of Huff at first and into the grass in front of the dugout. Stubbs, thinking it was going to be a routine out, hadn’t really come close to first, so he turned the corner and turned on the speed, arriving standing at second.

It was a two-base throwing error on Pablo Sandoval that put the tying run in scoring position and the fifth Giant error of the game. Moments later, Wilson gave up the single to Janish that scored Stubbs. He then got the final out. Reds 11, Giants 11.

The Reds had turned to Nick Masset to finish their debacle of an eighth, which the right-hander ended with a strikeout. Now, he manhandled the Giants in the ninth, striking out three. The Giants’ Javier Lopez, la specialista, entered in the tenth and true to form made quick work of the Reds. Again, it felt like Lopez didn’t want to be shown up by Affeldt, didn’t want to be responsible for failing when called upon.

I mean this in a good way.

Not like guys competing for jobs, but like comrades in struggle. In the eleventh, Bochy leaned on Lopez to extend and the specialist held the meat of the Reds lineup to just one hit. Meanwhile, Manager Dusty Baker and the Reds turned the ball over to their excellent closer Francisco Cordero.

The Giants wouldn‘t score in the tenth or eleventh, but we got the thrill of seeing a scoreboard I don’t think I’ll ever see live again – Eleven to Eleven in the Bottom of the Eleventh.

Arriving at the top of the twelfth, exhausted of left-handed relievers, I looked down to see Barry Zito trotting out to the mound. Bochy probably thought he had no other choice. Maybe he thought it would help the slumping Zito get back some lost confidence. But there was starter Barry Zito on short rest, entering a tied game in the 12th inning in relief.

Janish singled to left, then Matt Cairo doubled to center sending Janish to third. With two on, nobody out in the twelfth inning of a midweek day-game, the last of a series in August, against the Central Division leader, and a failing Zito on the mound, these Giants refused to die.

The next batter, Chris Helsey, hit a sharp grounder to Uribe hoping to at last get the winning RBI. Janish sprinted for home, but the hard-charging Uribe scooped it up and threw a bullet to Posey at the plate, in time to get the sliding Janish. We roared.

It was still 11 to 11. But now it was one away with runners in the corners for Zito facing league MVP-candidate Joey Votto. We knew the battle between Barry Zito and Joey Votto would decide this game. As Votto fought off pitch after pitch on the strikes and Zito missed the box by millimeters on the balls, the sinking feeling that we were losing this one crept into us all.

In a way I was resigned to it when Barry ran out there, but somehow it didn’t matter. We had seen superhuman effort by our Giants. Grit, toughness and an unwillingness to rollover and die.

Finally though, one guy was tougher than them all and in an epic display of game-winning force, Joey Votto hit a ball so hard into shallow right field that nobody could’ve handled it – a smokin’ dribbler. Sanchez stopped it and tried to get the ball home.

Cairo, who had taken a huge lead from third arrived at the plate almost simultaneously with the ball, but Posey had blocked the plate. The two collided hard as Cairo outstretched for the plate, but Posey held on! The umpire, Hirschbeck, signaled vigorously and shouted, “Out!” … then the ball flew up in the air, slipping out of Buster’s hand … and the call was reversed. He was safe.

Reds 12, Giants 11.

Cordero retired the side in order and stole a win as the Cincinnati Reds beat the San Francisco Giants 12 to 11 in 12 crazy innings. Zito took the loss to fall to 8-9 (he didn’t win again this year and this was the one that made him a losing pitcher for the 2010 season).

Epilogue

Amazingly, the story of this game and its internal question of whether or not you can lose a Great Comeback was buried by baseball itself, which, in its statistical perfection provided a definitive Comeback Game on the very same day, by the very same margin of difference as ours.

In a staggering coincidence only possible in the mathematical infinity of baseball’s continuity, the Atlanta Braves were ahead by the exact same score of 10 to 1 over the Colorado Rockies and allowed Colorado to come back and win 11-10. On the same day! So guys were like, “Now, that’s a comeback.”

Thinking about it now, you could say it was the last game the Giants lost because of a collection of their own mistakes rather than by a single player’s lapse or by being outplayed by the better performance of their opponent. But despite the lop-sided opening and all the crazy errors made by so many Giants, this against-the-odds contest was also the grittiest expression of this team’s fight that I‘ve yet witnessed.

I’ve never been happier after a loss in my life. I was just so proud of our guys for trying that hard. You could feel that pride among all the fans as we shuffled toward the exits, smiling.

The whole team had an unwillingness to lose, yet lose they did, and in a sad but poetic way, that loss came at the hands of our own beloved, expensive, Prince of Inability, Barry Zito. Yes, we were proud of our Giants, despite, and now I understand what people mean when they say a Great Comeback can end in a loss.

Carnivorous Plants at the SF Conservatory of Flowers, 2010

21 Wednesday Jul 2010

Posted by mtk in flora, our son, S.F., short film, social media, travel

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Daytrip to Telegraph Hill to see the Parrots, 2009

09 Thursday Apr 2009

Posted by mtk in Berkeley, flora, North Oakland, our son, photography, S.F.

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Off to check on the parrots of telegraph hill, the intrepid intern at Fifty Foot Pine Tree Press counted 8 conures.

F/A-18 Jet Engine Audio

13 Saturday Oct 2007

Posted by mtk in audio

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2007, A-18, blue angels, F-18, F/A-18, m.t. karthik, mtk, san francisco, sf

At the Blue Angels Show in SF, I had just turned my brand new digital recorder on, set levels and was telling BPW, my partner’s younger sister what it was … when the show started and a jet screamed directly above our heads.

This audio has not been tweaked in any way. It is the actual .wav file recorded by the handheld digital recorder.

Needles

08 Saturday Nov 1997

Posted by mtk in fiction, S.F.

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1997, consuelo, dj, gomez, hayes, hayes valley, Karthik, mtk, needles, palace, record, records, roommates, san francisco, sf, short, spin, stan, story

There was an uncomfortable silence.  Stan would be home for the meeting soon so Lenny didn’t have the time to say anything really valid about the needles to the rest of us.  It was just that dead time of day when we usually talk about other things like ball games.

I figured somebody had to say something so I asked, “Anybody catch the Lakers?”  Lenny had seen the game and he broke it down for us while we waited.  Stan came in the middle of it and he picked up the description.  “Deal with it,” he calmly effused, “eleven three-pointers on sixty-eight percent shooting and eighteen of twenty from the line,” and we were all appreciative if for no reason other than the solidarity it lent.

We sat for just a second longer before Stan segued into the meeting: “Where’re we at?”

Lenny was silent and let somebody else do the talking thank god.  Stan could figure from the silence that the stuff hadn’t turned up.  It was uncomfortable but it wasn’t like there was anything to dispute.  Lenny’s brother and his girlfriend had been the only visitors the whole weekend and now the needles were gone.  Nobody even commented on the weed.

I proposed we each chip in fifty bucks for new needles and then Len said he’d ask his brother about them but nobody said anything.  Stan wanted to know if he could take his share out of the rent and we all supposed that would be all right. The most uncomfortable thing was that without the needles the turntables sat still and mute.  The red light on the amp was on as if the music had been interrupted in mid-groove.  The silence was a palpable souvenir of the needles’ absence.

We were just about to end the meeting when Kevin piped up. “But it’s bullshit,” he said.

Len was visibly stricken by a pang of tension.  Stan sighed, “what?”

“Well I mean, check it out,” he continued, “I mean I didn’t take the needles and lose them or whatever and I don’t have fifty bucks to just throw around.”

Stan started to say , kind of under his breath , that he could front Kevin the fifty but Kevin said he had it.  “I just want to know what we’re going to do in the future if something like this happens again.”  Len started to say something but stopped and I said, “Well, it isn’t going to happen again,” in a tone of voice that pretty much put an end to the meeting with my age advantage and all.  We left it at that.

I hate my life.  I don’t know what I am going to do about it and sometimes I feel so trapped and paralyzed by my existence I feel like I’m going to explode.  I know it can’t go on like this.  I live with a bunch of guys I know, at least — it could be worse — but it’s like I’m in college again.  I never thought thirty’d be this way.

I don”t think I ever had an image of it being any way, but I wouldn’t have ever guessed this.   I need to make a new plan but for some reason it isn’t coming together.  I always zigged and zagged before and lately it’s like I’m out of gas.  How can that be? I’m only thirty.  Shit.

—–

1988.  Autumn and I say “fuck this,” and move to China.  At least that’s how I tell it now. My three years in Asia have been reduced to a sidenote on my resume.  I mean I guess it started out as Taiwan before and became Malaysia and Thailand and India and Japan after … and now it’s “an experience which has given me a cultural appreciation for Asian cultures.”  The point is I split and so did everybody else I know.

I remember when we sat around the university local  and threw our passports on the table. Kevin was going to Paris, Ken to Guatemala City, me to Taipei and Tracy to the Peace Corps.  She hadn’t been assigned to Malawi yet.  And we laughed like fucking kids and threw our damn hands in the air and sucked down pitchers of beer and it was all good.

Now  me and Kevin are here, Tracy works in DC,  and none of us wants to talk about Ken except his mother who always wants us to “stop by any time” when we’re in Texas visiting our own families.  And it’s all bloody and sore and itches like an amputated leg’s supposed to.

Whatever.  I have to get something going for myself.  My doctor says I only have fifty more years left.  I mean if I’m lucky.

Le fin de siecle is a fucking joke.  Lenny exaggerates pitifully when he makes plans for it.  He talks about Times Square and Paris and some island in the Pacific off the date line, but it’s been four years since he’s traveled.  And that was Mexico.  I know he won’t do what he says he’s going to do anymore.

When we were kids, the year 2000 was like this crazy place where we’d all be in our early thirties and kings of the damn world.  Now it’s a fucking lie about how little time means and how much hype time-sellers have to pitch.

My mother thinks it matters still. She isn’t a part of the revolution of apathy we are and so it’s a serious pain in the ass trying to explain to her about fruitlessness on arable land.  Time passes that’s for sure.  My hair gets longer and my ass gets colder and lonelier, too.  Nobody else seems to have a problem with it.

—–

Christ on the Rue Jacob!  I feel fucking great!   Good god, I want to scream at the top of my lungs for about an hour while the world spins under my feet.  Pass me the bowl there Lenny and let’s get this show a-pumping.  The guys have no idea what I’m doing back here except that when I leave the party it’s usually to make some notes.

Fuckity fuck … life is a gas, baby.   What are you going to do about that you apathetic fuck? Huh?  What are you going to do about the fact that it is beautiful and warm and there are people and places and love is a real goddamn emotion and the drugs are relatively good and  California is all free and you aren’t starving and dying in a Zairean refugee camp or in a ditch in Bosnia.  What are you going to do about the fact that you are on fire?

—–

When my father and mother crossed the border in 1957, they were in the back of a chevy longbed and they were not illegals.  The crossing was the last leg of their journey from Africa which took them two years and lord knows how much money.   The revolution in my father’s homeland cost him everything. He was lucky to get a professorship here.  No.  As he always says you make your own luck.

“My father wanted a better life for us,” is what I always say when people ask why we moved here.  They can tell I’m unhappy.

What is there left for me to do?  I haven’t had sex in three months.  I can’t seem to get the appetite for the chase or even for the event. I mean I’ve had opportunities and lately I even reject those.  What’s the point?

—–

I could try looking at it this way:  thirty is a good year to begin …

I could fall in love.  “You make your own luck,” is what he said.  I never argued with him though I think that’s a load of shit.  You make your own rationalizations is more like it.

—–

Let’s put the puzzle pieces together: December 31st, 1988 and I’m riding a 350cc ’81 Sanyang motorcycle across an empty field in rural China.  It’s Cheng-du province and Tiananmen Square is months away and when it happens I won’t know about it anyway because I am living with the Chinese.  And I’m flying fast through the cold, cold countryside.  My bike chokes and I feel it seize so I pull over for a minute but don’t kill the engine.  It’s all screwy.  I think there’s something in the fuel line.  I don’t know if the bike will get me back to the doctor’s ranch where I am staying.  I breathe a deep sigh over the ruddling hum of the engine and see my breath cold and white in the night air.

I look at my watch.  It’s midnight. I realize that the equivalent time in New York and San Francisco and wherever else was met with balls dropping and firecrackers and wet warm drunken kisses and Auld Lang Syne and eggnog and it all hits me like a wall.  No one here even knows what that’s like or what it’s about.  It means nothing.  It’s as empty as the tube in my fuel line past the block in the joint.  I sigh and feel strangely great.  I dance a little jig.  I am thrilled at being free of all the bullshit.  It may well be my one clean moment.

—–

I picked up the new needles today.  I got home this afternoon and opened the front door and called out, “We got music again!”  But no one responded.  I walked through the entire flat but there was no one around.

It’s been a beautiful day.  It’s warm and sunny out and the skies look like October:  blue and clear and light.  I walked down to the front room and the sun was streaming in through the windows all over the futon and the floor.

I sat in the long warm patch of light and tore open the bubblewrap.  The needles are light and beautiful.  They have tiny diamonds in them I guess.  What a gorgeous little design.  I handled the needles for a minute before sliding across the rug and putting one on: locking it onto the tone arm.

I walked down to the records room.  There’s vinyl everywhere and gear for days. I was flipping through the Lee Morgan and Horace Silver and that whole era of sweet-sounding music music music when I saw that someone had misplaced one of my records.

I picked the record out of the stack and walked back to the front room.  There were birds out on the fence.  I pulled the platter and cleaned the vinyl slowly with the brown brush and fluid. It hadn’t been spun in months, hell maybe years.

It was ‘Metamorphosen‘ on one side and ‘Tod und Verklarung‘ on the other – Richard Strauss, Deutsche Gramophone.  I chose the flip side.  The needle was new so I put my finger to my lips, licked it and then gently rubbed the diamond tip.  The prick barely registered on my wrinkled fingerprint.  It felt rough, like a cat’s tongue.

I fired up the mixer, the amp, the receiver and clicked the selector over while they all warmed up.  The crossfader slid gently through and I set the needle down.

After my father died I tried to find that fucking record.  All I wanted the morning after I had him burned was to feel warm and empty like I did that day, lying, thirty, in the sunny patch on our ratty black futon with nothing but cocktails and a joint to look forward to.

Chat County Hospital, short story, 1997

15 Friday Aug 1997

Posted by mtk in fiction, S.F.

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My father should never have had a son.  Nor any children at all for that matter.  But this is not an option for our people.  Or I should say it has not been until now.  He tried his best to be two things:  a father and a scientist.  He succeeded as equally as he failed in each of these efforts, with absolute precision.  The result is that I spend most of my hours wondering why I’m alive.

Purposeless, I wander around the empty corridors of life’s hallways.  I sometimes open doors and stick my head into rooms.  I even walk in one or two to check out the wallpaper, the paint on the trim.  But mostly I just walk past door after door; past the infinite choices.  I examine the stark grey interior walls of life’s dusky halls.

He is still alive.

Even now he looks over at me with glassy, wide-open eyes, but he shows no recognizance.  He veils me with his illness.  And I am filled with a nauseating, selfish apathy.

No one knows my disconcern.  I wait on him dutifully and assist him when he is in need.  Soon I will change his urine bottle and then I will drain the fluids from the plastic bulb affixed to a long tube which veins byproducts from his entrails.  I am a model child.

But I am cold and dry to him and his illness.  I am incapable of reform or catharsis because the bastard went and got sick during our angry years.  We havenÕt begun to want to resolve.  (He gave me my stubbornness.)  I hate his fucking attitude and I haven’t forgiven him for my youth.

He took it from me.

He knows, too.  Behind those glassy eyes he knows it is too soon.  And he’ll decide.  Once again he has control over our relationship.  He’ll decide if he lives so we can heal old wounds or if he leaves so his part of me rots for the rest of my life.

I don’t hate him.  I must love him or I couldn’t be driven to such deep emotions.  I don’t hate him.

I can say clearly and truthfully (and here I must be honest or I am more lost for it) that I don’t like him very much.  I’d never have chosen him.  I’d never spend time with someone like him.  But that could be because of what’s happened since I was born.  Maybe there is a somebody like me with different teeth and bones who would.  A woman with less calcium and more osteoporosis.

If I had him for a class, I wouldn’t be like the students of his who parade in here with get-well-soon cards and flowers and plants he may never see if they’ll die before he does.  I wouldn’t be one of the students whose name he knows who’s been to his house for barbecues and to help him plant roses or okra in the garden.

I know what a bullshitter he is.  I know it’s so deep he’s even fooled himself.  I wouldn’t be one of the students who spends my idle hours learning even more from the fantastic wealth of knowledge he has to give, to teach (I acknowledge that much is true — he’s got an incredible memory).  I’d never want to sup from his vast table of words and equations or chew fat from his multicultural polyglothic plates.

No, I’d recognize him early. I’d come to class, do what I’m told to do. No more no less. I’d see him for what he is.  I’d never fall into his net of worship and gardening.

This story is an old sigh.  But wait, I must tend to my father. The old man’s bladder has impolitely intruded on his linens and across his already-stained hospital gown. He’ll need a bath.

I have been cheated by my vagina (I use the clinical term here in the hospital, call it what you will but if you’re playing me you better have a sweeter nothing than that) and by my bloody, crimson blood.

Not by the monthly, moonly blood of my insides.  But separately and coldly by first my lack of a cock and second by an ageless river of blood known as Hindustan.  The Brahmin Rive De Sangre of my past.  Multi-cult-you’re dead.

“Hey Tikku-Tikka!” comes a voice tinny and thin.  His only friend has come to try to cheer him out of his catatonia.  “Yene pa? Sowkyum, ah?” he speaks in our native tongue before continuing in their adopted language, “Why you are always sleeping only, sir? Don’t you know vinter has long since uppity-gone and spring is coming?” He winks at me as he continues to speak to my unconscious father.  “Now only is the time to rise out of your silly hibernating.”  Each of his ‘t’s’ are hard, the way the British emphasized them through Brahmin teachers.  He and my father studied together years ago.  They speak the same language.

“And Shanti, what yaaah?” he says to me, “Beautiful girl you are like a spring flower only – like lotus.”  He tries to make me smile and dutifully I give him a tiny corner of my cheek.

“Doctor, sir,” I ask — my father is lucky his closest friend is a specialist — “How is my father?”

I am to the point.  I am to the point when it is just stupid play-acting for me to beat around the bush.

Dr. Subramanian or “Dr. Subi” as all his American friends and patients call him whispers across my father to me, “Hold on, Shanti, Subi-Uncle will make this good. Give it time.”

I want to scream into his face, “Oh you fat fuck!  It’ll be made good like you made my brother good?  Like you made my mother and father’s marriage and my family all made good?” but instead I say in my finest South Indian accent (readopted for my request), “Will you please stay here for some time for me?  I must go to the toilet and then … I am feeling hungry.”

He looks uncomfortable in his ill-fitting suit with the idea of sitting here away from his Mercedes not on the way to his tee time (or his tea time) at the club.

“Never mind,” I whisper.

“No, no,” he replies, wagging his head like a googly doll, “go ahead.”  And I leave this room for the first time today.

*****

The sky is a flame.  Twilight is my hour of peity.  All these long weeks, these purpling, pinking moments have marked the passage of my servitude. One.  Two.  Three.  Four. They say prayers are heard and answered best at the end of a worthwhile day.

What bullshit. There is no machination or imagination behind any of this.  Time just sweeps along and we stupidly with it naming things: sun, sky, clouds, God.

I am hurt and angry and impossible to assuage with talk of prayer.  Only the sweet angel Time can cure me, Time so vast and beautiful … fucking sexy draped across the sky in quick-sinking sunlight.

I will come.  I will come.  I am.  Oh, I’m coming.  I’m coming.  Oh God!  I’m coming in Time …  in Time.

I am not fingering myself.  The hands, the lingering fingers of the sun tickle my insides as he fades away.  “Rosy fingers of dusk” is more like it. There’s time to clean myself up before I go back to his bedside and to night.

Tonight.

My brother hated me.  He loved me too much like I love my father and so he hated.  He hated, too, all of the boys who came to try me.  He hated the attention and the eyeballing and how I’d suck on my little finger and laugh. (“It’s not a pinky, silly, it’s a brownie!”)  How I’d have any boy I wanted while he got only the Mexican girls.

The white boys, the black boys, the Mexicans, they all showed an interest in broadening their cultural awareness.  They all looked, saw and learned what da Gama opened up to the West:  the legs of the most beautiful women in the world, opened up for sale by a tiny Portugee with an overaggressive cock.

“ohhhhhhh, de la India!!” said the gas station attendants, “Y porque tu puede hablar espanol?”

“Oh, no,” I’d giggle, “just un poco espanol.”

My brother hated them and all the American men who took me from him.  No, not just me – todos las mujeres de la India.  No wonder he was so fucked up.

Listen sisters,  a poem.  A poem for my Indian sisters:

You’ve come so far
and I’d be the last one to say
but please turn on your backs
for our Indian brothers today

Give them good cheer
they are alone and afraid you see
because they don’t want any of these bitches here
and they can’t have you or me

Sometimes I dream that he had gotten away.  That the letter never came and that he had gone out West.  In my dream he’s gone.  And in my dream other letters come.  There are stacks of letters from the Golden State in my dream.  I read them as I pack them into a small, brown valise.

“California is like heaven,” he writes, “or home.  The ocean my dear Shanti, it is our mother.  Our father, the sun firing infinite jets of love into her belly gave us life …”

and other letters: “We are all here  … black, white, brown, yellow and peach.  At night we trickle, laughing secretly down the dormitory halls of this city and we make love in colorful combinations.”

And in the dream as I read and pack these silly, naive letters one by one into the valise, I know that I am going West, too.  I’ve jumped aboard the freedom train like my parents did before me only this time it’s stopping further still down the line. Stations further from the bloody fucking cult-you’re past.  You’ve lost us already.

Tonight, without telling me, the good doctor Subi-Uncle will pull the plug.  My brother is dead, my father dying and me?  I’m free and free and free as el vallejo de San Joaquin in the Golden State of California.

Protected: Stab at a True Memoir

05 Wednesday Mar 1997

Posted by mtk in journal entries, S.F.

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Prologue to my first novel, Mood

18 Saturday Jan 1997

Posted by mtk in fiction, S.F.

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Mood

(A Fortnight of Lies & a Truth for the Profoundly Sad)

Our dreams and longings cover deeper dreams
and longings in the silence far away
All things on earth, sweet winds and shining clouds,
waters and stars and the lone moods of men,
are cool green echoes of the voice that sings
beyond the verge of Time

–Harindranath Chattopadhyaya

Once, upon a time before numbers, many things occured in harmony …

… a man sits upon a hill unaware.  He is conversating with the moon.  Get comfortable it says.  This will take as long as it takes.  Timing is everything.  And nothing at once.

Just a moment –

The sun kisses me that I should be incapable of this murmurs the moon.  Smothers me in his bright ker-shmack-a-dahs that I should be unable to share with you these whispers regarding the question you are.  (Who are you?)  My airless breath is caught in his kisses but my cold, cratered soul sings on the sly.  So take measure and begin:

Temporarily I shall have to suspend the thunderous rhythm of the train of my fates though it has built steadily in momentum toward a point at which its power nearly supersedes my own strength to arrest its churning wheels.  I am full-on the brakeman (of my own invention) and have barked at the conductor to fasten loose baggage and the hatches in every compartment.  Fortunately the only remaining passengers are fast asleep or dead or deserve whatever violent surges and upheavals which this accounting and recounting and inventorying may produce. They can handle it.  They climbed aboard of their own volition (not free will but theirs all the same – unique will)  and have had clearly pre-ordained opportunities to dismount, to unboard from this passage at station after station over the terrain of life.  The stops have been regular and timely.  Scheduling complaints have been few.  Until now.

Those who are left must have some taste for the ocean and for change or they would not be here at all.

Change is here.  Tempo rarely.

This whistle-stop panegyric will end geographically in the lap of our mother Pacific, although temporally (not rarely, temporarily) it will have begun and ended over and over in times too many to number.  Holding on tightly to its corners, edges and pages is not recommended.  They are paper thin and likely incapable of supporting even the slight weight of soulless fingers much less the blood-filled, knuckled meats of a mortal variety.

(But fast, already I am skidding.  Hold, I halt more aggressively or it will all be as it will be without the benefit of observation, without the curse of remembrance.)

Forever this will have been the American century. A has-been falsely named for a wandering Italian whose public relations skills far surpassed those of his peers. Whose marketing skills predecessed the creation of this capitalized time.

And forever stories such as mine will be contrarian.  Infinitely untold they will remain guerrilla legends of a history unknown. So listen to the invisible voice, hear the reason of the pulsing millions who live in the shadow of a great white hope perpetuating existence solely (soully) for the sake of each moment, each split-second of time; those for whom being is (and history is not) …

just a moment-

Some once-sleeping passengers have risen to the change in velocity.  They have acknowledged the alteration of tempo and have felt the impending nature of the hard-driving tone of this ride.  They must be resettled.

Sleep, sleep dear souls.  Lie down and sleep.  The time to awaken has been predetermined, but that time is not now.  This rattling about has been caused by my own unctuous wriggling. Me? Why of course, I too shall shall set to sleep.  Let me coax you into your own places first. Let me tuck you in.  Would you like a story? I am filled with stories Scheherezade herself would rub heavy-lidded eyes to hear.

Once, upon a time before numbers, many things occurred in harmony, among the first of which were the alternating cries, chortles and deep-sucking breaths of a newborn child. Prior to the child’s emersion from it mothers womb many days and nights of worry and consternation had been experienced. The child’s mother had suffered from a terrible, feverish anomaly in recent weeks due to the repositioning deep within her of an ever-hardening clot of cell activity which was fast becoming a cyst.  The cyst grew to a point at which the lives of both mother and child were jeopardized by the presence of the willful collection of necrotic cells.

Many prayers were whispered and sung.  Healers came from far and wide to the bedside of the mother who was to bear the child and- with support of neither husband, family nor friends –  whose will flickered and faded like a soft-glimmering candle, whose wax has become a mere pool of melted oil, whose wick has burned out.

It was therefore with great joy that the healthy birth of the woman’s daughter was received only to be followed by the deep sadness of its subsequent orphanage. The child was named after her mother and for the world from which she had come. The child was forever marked with foreignness.  Her name was Soleta.

Soleta entered into an orphanage from the time she was strong enough and able enough to leave the hospital where she had been born.  Years later, her earliest memories of the traversing which then occurred – for the hospital was quite a fine one and the orphanage rather not – were of a terrible trip by rough roads from a place of austere and sterile beauty – a place of solitude, to a place teeming with little lives; viruses, insects, rodents, a few adults and dozens of homeless, parentless children.

Soleta had been born and upon entering the world was thrust promptly thus into societal life. Into a society which was not even her own.

Now we must take pause to remember that many other things occurred in harmony with these events which we have chosen to follow in such a fashion.  They are merely events which occurred – nay, are occurring – while time proceeds down its umpteen paths.  Many other children were born, many other women died.  And men, too.  There were great upheavals in households throughout the world.  Arguments and love affairs took root, blossomed and bore vengeful fruit in these few subtle years.

To her credit, Soleta came during the years of this period of spiking change and flux to realize how temporary these years were. She was cognizant of the futility of an attempt – even at such a young age – to grasp for firmament which would not be forever altered within weeks, days, or hours.  She did not waste her time with names for she knew names are temporary.  She was a loner.  In her patient way, she grew observant and quiet and waitful.

Soleta’s sense of awareness had been so finely attuned that on the occasion of her 16th birthday she was possessed with a powerful assurance that the period of change had ended and it was time for her to begin. Of this she had no understanding save that a beginning was to take place which seemed to her by a process of elimination more sound than an ending and less confusing than a middling.  (Though in truth her beginning was postdated, as this middling and soon an ending, too.)

Now, it must be said that the child faced a monumental task to the point of her sweet teens.  Indeed a stranger born in a foreign land with neither parent nor guide to a culture which was not her own and under the pressure of such an intense period of flux in the course of herstory might be quick, nay would know no better than, to adopt local customs, traditions and morays if for no other reason than for the comfort and solace of companionship.

Soleta however was led by the truths of her own blood and by the ghost of an ancestor of whom she would never hear one word spoken in her lifetime and from whom the power to resist perpetually swam through her veins striking down insistent, itinerant foreign agents like a one-man army of antigens.

(yes, it was a man. And a powerful man indeed who could traverse both time and space despite the will of the child’s mother – Soleta the elder – to assert such control)

And so it came to pass that Soleta the younger learned the language of her adopted culture reluctantly.  Learned their words for things right and wrong, would establish an understanding of the names they had for things good and evil but would never for herself feel an indebtedness to any of these names.  Her linguistic skills far surpassed those of any of her cohorted orphan’s for she was unencumbered by the need to divine truth from the words she was taught.  She sailed along untethered to the concerns that other children had.  She never asked, “But … why?”

Why not?

And so empowered with a language which was not her own and knowing no truth save that truth was elsewhere (and feeling somehow an insistent pull and protection from within her spirit-filled veins) she packed a small valise and on the eve of the 16th anniversary of her birth departed from the only place she ever remembered.  And set sail for her fate.

And now she is on this train fast asleep.  Forever 16.  But we shall here more from her.  Be patient.  You see now, this is the freedom express. This is the train of what was and it barrels toward the land of what may be.

Maybe.

Or perhaps not.

The shaken passengers sleep now.  Night has fallen and we make our way at a more regular rhythm.  We are slowing and it will be only a matter of time now.   Temporal matter scatters itself throughout this trip.  The chalky dust from the crumbled remains of bones kicks up in the light of every switch flipped or matchlit spark.

I must speak of life in a colder light. For now it is night and the dead rise from within the train.  Soleta the elder (once dead, now once here risen) has come to the dining car where she pulls with full, red lips at chartreuse and absinthe in alternating sips.  She sits alone and hopes for no company though she knows it futile.  She wishes death were more solitary.  Less crowded.  “Living had its benefits,” she murmurs thinking of quiet Sunday mornings before … before …

With a click and a slide of the car door which allows in the rushing air, the doppler-shifting downward pitches of our slow-grinding halt … halt … who goes there?

‘Tis the East for whom Soleta the elder is not the sun.

“Oh.  Sorry.  I didn’t think there was anyone else here,” the East begins.  Soleta the elder smiles wanly and waves at an empty barstool, at empty tables and chairs.  She knows soon they will be full.  At least until the dawn.

The East is weary.  Etched in its moonish face (since death the sun no longer rises in it) are pockmarks of an eternity of experience.  Histories cratered and unimaginable.

The arms of the East are weak and thin.  (Some years ago its hands atrophied from lack of use; withered until they became like six stumps dangling from six, thin, unmuscled arms. It appears tentacular now, another victim of the arms race, as it takes a seat at one of the crimson, velvet booths which align walls of the dining car. It looks out at the night and sighs. El Ultimo Suspiro del Este.)

Yama the Death God rides his horse through the car.  Clattering hooves cacophonize against the slow-braking train and send plates and glasses into tinkling showers of shard.  The car is crowded with the stench of rotting bodies.  The long-ripening redolence of stale, dead aspirations fills the air.

My parents are here.  My grandparents and greats.  But none of them disturb me.  They do not even acknowledge me.  They are unsure of my blood. They do not believe from my actions that I am of them.  Some are convinced I am an impostor put here to satirize, to libel the family name.  Would they had fingers they would write the train themselves.

It brakes hard.  Momentum is fading.

Soon comes the dawn and a brief respite before my lecture.  My final oration.  And eventually, with a last toot of the blasted horn, the end of the line – la mer.  The death train ends its trip.

It is time to break fast.

Good morning gentle ladies and men, esteemed colleagues, family, friends and enemies mine.

Finish your coffee and dough knots, bagels and fruit.  I will allow for your digestion but I must finish before we come to a complete halt which by my own calculations will be within the hour.  Our mother Pacific awaits our return.

I would like to take a moment of silence first for our dearly departed conductor, who passed of old age sometime in the night, and to the brakeman who – his arms having been rent from his body – has locked the brake into position with his legs but has subsequently bled to death.  Their sacrifices have been immeasurable and I look forward to seeing them on the return trip by night.

(beat)

Champagne.  Everyone.  Please. The long, dark night has ended.  The dead are behind us and we arrive at the beginning.  Soon.

The title of my lecture today as printed upon your programmes is, “Linear Models of Time and Space in Dilated-Locomotive Physics,” and for those of you who thought you could make out or wondered over the subtitle, a confirmation:  yes, it does read, “(narrative form)”. (laughter)

I take as my fundamental assumption the fact that we speak the same language at least insomuchas everything I say – have said, will say – is comprehensible.

We are all murderers and prostitutes.

Soon this train will come to a halt and we shall face our mother with newborn eyes.  She will see within you.  She will know you for your true self.  Then, on high the sun will shine down upon the waters of the Pacific and standing here on the tall sea cliffs at the last train stop of the freedom train you shall know peace.  It shall be alit within you by the triangulated silvery sparkles of the sun on the deep blue sea.  The finger of the sun points directly at you alone in sprinkles of silvereen.

Our train comes to a halt now.  I shall sound the horn for your release.  Hear it friends, hear it blow and know that you are free at last, at last you are free.  And with this trip ended, love.  Love.  Your debts are paid.  Life awaits you.

California lays beneath the sound of the great whistle hoooooooooooooooooooooot.

Run, run, run, into the ocean.  Run to your mother Pacific and feel her cold fingers (running) in your hair.

Xmas Time and the Last Days of 1996

31 Tuesday Dec 1996

Posted by mtk in Coastal Cali, essay, journal entries, S.F.

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airport, alicia, artist, artists, bergman, christmas, daniel, drive, east bay, freeway, Galvez, John, juana, Karthik, miranda, mtk, mural, oakland, rigo 96, san francisco, sfo, wehrle, xmas

The weather has been grey and wet.  Thick, dark, moody clouds hang over the Bay, and the water between the Golden Gate and Bay Bridge is green and grey and smoothed by high, grey skies.  There is neither fog nor mist.  Everything is different shades of grey.  Two storm fronts moved in last week.  The first came Christmas night and, the day after Christmas, the City awoke to rains.  It has been wet and damp and mucky.  And cool.

Friday morning there were sightings all up and down the Bay, of rainbows, double-rainbows and even, in the South Bay of a triple rainbow which spanned the Bay waters and ended in Oakland.  I saw the tail-end of one on Friday morning while waiting for the bus.  It stretched out over the top of the Rehab Center across the street.  A guy at the bus stop said it had been there for ten minutes.

This year, Christmas falls on a Tuesday and the New Year arrives on a Wednesday.  The work week’s are broken-up by the holidays leaving stray Fridays and Mondays to reconcile.  The Upper Management, The Owners, the Board Members, the CF and CO and CE O’s take the whole two weeks off while the workers are left to divvy up what remains of their sick days and vacation floaters from the aging year.

Offices in the financial district are composed of skeleton crews of bored staffers who find tedious, long-undone tasks to accomplish to kill the 9 to 5 on the lone Monday or Thursday they have to come in on.  “What’s the point of being here?” they ask with half frustrated, half-commiserating smiles as they pass one another in the halls, as they re-organize the files in the storage area together, and alone.

I am working as a temp.  So in this season, it’s easy to find work.  I am covering for “sick” receptionists and office service workers at a law firm in the financial district.  From this view on the 32nd floor, I can see the whole North Bay from bridge to bridge and the thick, rolling clouds and the green wavy water passing Alcatraz, Angel, and Treasure Islands.

It has been raining off and on and when it does, vertical lines slash down from black clouds like bold strokes of a charcoal nub on the sky or hard etchings on the billowy blocks of clouds.

In the financial district, people rush about prior to and after Christmas in the wet, in the rain.  They run about in slickers and galoshes.  They wear overcoats and trenchcoats and hats and carry umbrellas.  They carry packages to and fro in the rain, some grumble, some move more slowly.  The latter seem to enjoy the season.

*****

Downtown is dead. The hard pavement of the narrow streets of the financial district, usually abustle with Friday afternoon activity, pre-weekend revelry, happy hours and excitement is quiet today.  The break-up of the season leaves this Friday straggling and searching for an identity.  There are the few workers who have to stay over the holidays and put in hours to keep the offices running.  There are a few temps.  But the streets are mostly empty and those who pass one another share a silent camaraderie on the grey sidewalks.

After work I caught the bus home.  It took a good long time for the 21 to come on Market Street.  There were six 5 Fultons and at least three 38 Gearys which came before even one 21.  Not to mention the innumerable 71’s and 7’s and two 31 Balboas which passed us by as we waited.  A man commented, “I should move to Fulton … it’d be easier to get home.”  We made jokes some then.  We were the waiters for the 21, wet and miserable, huddled under the bus shelter grim but chuckling.

The bus finally came.  It was full, standing room only even that far down the line (we were between Montgomery and Powell which is maybe three or four stops from the start of the line).  There was a second 21 just behind the first, so some of us waited for it knowing we could at least sit down.

Once home, I was drained and bedraggled.  Rain takes a lot out of me in the city streets.  My shoes were soaked through at the ends giving them a black-tipped appearance.  I hopped out of my musky, wet clothes and into a hot, invigorating shower.  I washed the grime out of my hair and off my skin and afterward made a turkey sandwich and sat on my bed watching the rain.

Saturday the rain broke for an hour or so in the morning and the sun peeped through the clouds.  I didn’t see any rainbows but there must have been some.  Saturday was uneventful.  The rains kept most folks inside.  There was football to watch.  The Cowboys beat the Vikings.  The Jaguars upset the Bills.

The rain fell quietly and the air was damp and cool.  The second front came Saturday evening.  I heard it arrive.  I was having a bourbon at the Lone Palm listening to the rain outside and killing time before I had to go to the airport to pick up Rigo 96 who was returning that night from a visit to New Mexico.  The winds were picking up and the bluster became audible.  I drew a little picture about men and women while sipping my bourbon and waiting for the time to pass.  The picture is in a little sketchbook/journal I keep in my back pocket.

Rigo’s plane was supposed to come in at 9:45 but the rain and the holidays have made so many planes late I figured I’d just call in advance.  I sipped my bourbon, drawing, and listened to people trickle in on this rainy night. I checked the plane and it wasn’t to come in until 10:15.  I contemplated another bourbon but passed on it.  At around 10:00, I left the Lone Palm and headed for the airport.

I was driving Rigo’s truck.  The turn signals were acting up while he was gone (the front ones didn’t work but the back ones were fine. I guessed it was bulbs or fuses but didn’t do anything about it).  I took Guerrero down to Cesar Chavez’s Army Street and turned toward the freeway.  There was a police car on Cesar Chavez Street three cars ahead of me in the next lane.  The cop car held up traffic in his own lane and waited for me to go through the stoplight ahead of it.  I changed lanes and passed in front of the cruiser and was progressing toward the highway entrance to 101.  I was nervous.  The back turn signals were fine last time I checked. I had clearly been singled out but I didn’t know why.  Just before the highway entrance, the cops turned on their lights signaling me to pull over.

I was driving a truck with no turn signals, which had no insurance papers (nor insurance policy for that matter).  I had no drivers license.  I had just finished drinking a bourbon and a beer and not three hours earlier I had gotten stoned on some California green (marijuana) at Rigo 96’s house.  I was carrying a pipe (paraphernalia) and a small, plastic egg which contained a small amount of pot.

I couldn’t figure out why the cops had pulled me over and I didn’t have a license, so as a cop approached the driver’s side window in the rain and turned a flashlight beam on me, I said, “What’s the problem?”  I wanted to gain the cop’s trust.  Besides I hadn’t done anything wrong visibly.  I didn’t know why I was being pulled over.

A male voice came from behind the flashlight beam, “broken headlight,” he said.  The broken headlight I didn’t even know about.  I had an inkling that the lights were askew one night last week but I just thought they were aligned improperly and besides I was only just running up to the airport. There are a lot of cops on the streets during holiday time.

“License and Registration,” he said.  By this time he was close enough for me to be able to make him out.  I looked him in the eye as he turned the flashlight away from my face and into the cab of the truck.

He was young – younger than me – and he had a freshly shaved face and a short haircut.  His uniform fit snugly and was pressed and cleaned.  He is white and sees that I am not.  I felt immediately as if I had an advantage over him in age and it should be expressed in language.  I was honest.

“Well, actually,” I said, speaking confidently, “I don’t have my license on me. It was taken.  And now it’s at the Austin Police Department.  They contacted me but … I haven’t had time to …O I trailed off.  I waited and the cop didn’t say anything so I continued, “The truck isn’t even mine.  I’m just going to the airport to pick up the owner of it right now,” I said pointing to the freeway entrance ramp (It was so close the FREE way).  “I have the papers in the glove box,” I said pointing at the glove box and starting to lean over.

The cop asks to see the registration for the truck.  I lean over and pull out the fat booklet of documents Rigo has left in the glove box.  It is full of old traffic tickets, traffic court hearing papers, and other stuff.  I have no idea what the registration papers look like, so I say, “I’m not sure, I mean is it the pink thing?”  The cop doesn’t say anything.  “I mean, I don’t know what the registration papers look like,” I say as I dig.

I pull out the first pink slip of paper I come to and start to hand it to the cop.  As I do I notice it’s a traffic hearing failure-to-comply notice.  I quickly return it saying, “No that’s not it … hang on.”  The cop has turned the beam into the booklet on my lap to help me see.  Then we both see it at the same time.

“There it is,” he says as I pull the registration papers out and hand them over.  As he is looking at them I say, “That’s my friend, Rigo.”  I think momentarily that Rigo 96’s name may not be on the papers. His name changes with each passing year.  Next week he will be called Rigo 97.  I do not like calling him by his given name in public, out of respect but I am kowtowing to a cop who is younger than me, so as he looks at the papers I say, “Ricardo …” and I trail off.  As he is looking at the papers and standing in the rain and cars pass by with a swoosh of water I mutter, “I didn’t even know about the headlight.”

The truck radio is playing Joe Henderson and the lonely tenor saxophone cries through the one working speaker with a tinny creeeeeeeeee.

“What station is that?” asks the cop. “It’s ninety-one, one,” I say, “The Jazz station … KCSM.”

“I like that station,” says the kid.

He hands the registration papers back to me and says, “What’s your name?”  I tell him my first name and he asks for my last name.  I know these names are difficult for him to understand and so I say them and then I say, “it’s sort of long but I have my passport if you want to …”

He says, “I just want to make sure your license is clear and then you can be on your way.”  I hand him my passport and he holds it out in front of me and riffles through it briskly and thoroughly. He holds it upside down and riffles.  I realize he is making sure there are no visa documents lying loose within it for which he might be held responsible in a court of law.  He looks at me and says, “There are no loose documents in here, right?”  I nod.

He returns to his partner in the cruiser as I wait.  The cops turn their high-powered searchlight on and the light immediately floods the cab of the truck illuminating my face in the bright rectangular slice off the rearview mirror.

I look over at my bag sitting next to me and know the pipe and the egg with the dope in it are sitting quietly in the outside pocket.  I am warm despite the rain. Illuminated, I take off my seatbelt, and my jacket.  I dig a black, rubber hairtie out of my pocket and tie my hair up.  I know this makes me appear less threatening.

The cops are looking up my license based on my name off the passport. I sit hoping there are no violations.  I don’t think there are but nothing is for sure.  After all, the cops have just pulled me over slightly high, after drinking a bourbon and a beer, with a busted headlight and broken front turn signals.

I think about Rigo 96 waiting at the airport until his name changes because I’m in jail and I laugh to myself.

The kid comes back with my passport and hands it to me.  “All right, get that headlight taken care of,” he says, and he lets me on my way.

When I got to the airport, there were cars and people crowded in at every possible exit.  The cops were crawling all over the place making people move their cars  from the loading zone.  I parked the truck in short-term parking because circling around the airport repeatedly with a broken headlight is just asking for trouble.

By 11:00, Rigo still hadn’t turned up, though his plane had arrived.  Checking my answering machine messages at home there was no notice from him nor anyone else, that he had missed his flight.  I checked the airline register and it showed him as reserved for the flight but the guy behind the counter had no way of knowing if he had actually gotten on it.

At about 11:15 I gave up and decided to head back to the City.  (Rigo 96 had missed his connection in Albuquerque and so he wasn’t at the airport.  My roommate’s girlfriend had spoken with him when he called and then left the information on paper notes by the telephone which I didn’t get until I came home Sunday morning.)

I was nervous about the truck and so I ended up going back to Rigo’s place and dropping it off.  I took backroads.  In front of his studio, I parked the truck and leaped out and stood next to it laughing.  Free at last.

Afterward I caught the 14 and went to Cafe Babar where J. was working and had a few beers.  I wanted to wind down from the police run-in at the airport.

We hung out and played pool.  T. and I smoked out together and I helped them clean and shutdown the bar.  We had a couple of beers.  Later, I shared a cab with J. who lives in my neighborhood, and went home.

*****

Sunday, I got up and Rigo 96 called from the airport.  He told me his story about missing his flight because a man at the airport gave him wrong information regarding his connection. I told him my story about the cop and his truck.  It was still raining and we agreed it would be a bad idea to try to drive the truck out to the airport without lights.  Rigo had to catch a bus to my house because I had his keys.

Rigo 96 got to my house and we went to lunch at Art’s Barbecue.  The 49’ers were playing the Eagles in the playoffs and a television in the back of the little joint was broadcasting the game.  It was still raining and blustery.  The field at Candlestick Park was wet and muddy and the conditions for the game were terrible.  Rigo and I sat and had lunch and chatted about a number of things.

After lunch we walked in the rain down Church Street until the 22 came.  We boarded it and rode down to Mission Street where we were going to transfer to the 14 to go to his house.

Before the 14 came, I bought a December fastpass off an old guy standing at the corner there at 16th and Mission.  The guy sold me the pass for $2.  There were only two days left in the year, but the fastpass is usually good for a grace period of three days into next month and I knew I’d be traveling downtown on at least the last two days of the year to temp in the law office again so I’d save money (at least $2).

We went to Rigo’s place and he checked his messages.  Some friends of his were having a dinner get together in the evening in the East Bay. The group was comprised of artists and painters of some of the most famous and beautiful murals of the last twenty years in the Bay Area, Los Angeles and beyond.

The tradition of mural art in San Francisco is old and includes in its history the period after the turn of the century centered around the Mexican Revolution when Diego Rivera was living and painting here at places like the San Francisco Art Institute.  Rigo, a graduate of that same school, was asked to bring slides of some of his own murals to the dinner party.  The artists were planning to share perspectives on their work after eating.  Dinner was to be centered around turkey lasagna.  Rigo invited me to join him and I was happy to accept.

It was still early in the afternoon and dinner wasn’t until 7:00, so we decided we should make the pickup truck drivable because we were planning to be on the Bridge at night and it wouldn’t do to have the headlights out.  We smoked a little pinner of a joint, grabbed up a couple of screwdrivers and went to the auto parts store.  We bought new bulbs and some transparent reflective tape and were able to fix not only the headlight but the broken turn signals as well.  We did the work in the parking lot of the store.  Just as we turned the last screw in the headlight to align it, the sun was going down so we ended up needing the lights for the drive home from the auto parts store.

Before we went to the East Bay we went to see one of Rigo’s friends who was also having a party that evening.  C. has a studio in the SOMA-area called Refusalon.

C’s own studio is a narrow little job and clean and sparse with art on the walls.  We chatted with C. and his friend H.  They had a beautiful dog named Sally there.  She has enormous black eyes and a beautiful face and disposition.

We visited with C. and H. for a few minutes.  We got to see some of C.’s work and it was quite nice.  There was a carved wood piece which I particularly liked.

Rigo told me that C. had an enormous Cadillac which he had obtained from another artist some time ago. He had organized a group of students he was teaching to assist him in making an art piece of the car.  The Cadillac was covered in pennies.

C. told us he had the Caddy parked out behind the studio so on the way we drove around to the parking lot to check it out.  The Cadillac has a brown hardtop shell which comes midway over the backseat.  Other than this part of the Coupe De Ville, every inch of the vehicle is covered in copper pennies.  The pennies have been affixed to the paint job permanently. The license plate reads, “0 Cents”.

After visiting with C. we headed out to the East Bay, headlights and turn signals intact.  The party was to be held at Daniel Galvez’s house in Hayward.  The house is located on a hill just below the Mormon Temple which predominated the view.  The Mormon Temple is a huge, brightly-lit, gleaming structure, with four towers, one on each corner with reddish-orange, glowing orbs atop them.  It also has a larger tower at its center with a dome of the same coloration.

Coming over the hill to Daniel Galvez’s house, the temple is extremely well-lit due to the holiday lighting and so it looks strange and exotic.  It appears from some angles like a great, white insect with orange, bulbous projections at the end of its angled legs.  From another perspective, it looks like an alien spacecraft from a science-fiction rendering.  The building is trippy-looking.  We stare at it in the rear- and side-view mirrors as we smoke-out on Daniel’s street.

Daniel Galvez is a muralist who has recently been commissioned to do a mural at the site of the assassination of Malcolm X.  The commission was the result of a highly-prized competition and is worth some honor, prestige and money – the latter being a rare commodity for muralists or artists in general.  Daniel was chosen on the basis of a proposal he sent to the competition.

The party is already rolling when we arrive.  There is food and drink and everyone is milling about and chatting.  There are maybe a dozen of us.  Some of the best muralists in the area are here.  Besides Daniel Galvez, we have Miranda Bergman, Juana Alicia, John Werhle and Rigo 96 in the house. Ed Casal will show images of his work as will a visitor from Cambridge, Massachusetts (named J.), whose work has appeared on walls in that area of New England, USA for 15 years.  Daniel arranged this evening to allow J. to get an idea of what sort of murals are being painted on the West Coast, in the Bay Area, by local artists.

The assemblage of talent, energy and motivations in this house is historic. The work in the house itself is quite nice, also with paintings and drawings and sculptures representing a number of artists, present and absent.  Daniel has recently bought the place and it has a layout which includes a huge 20 by 20 foot studio in back of the house where he can work.  Daniel showed us a number of the computer-composite images he uses to make proposals for projects.  They included a design for a mural on the history of Chinese Immigration to California.  Daniel uses the computer to cut and paste images into a poster- or banner-sized representation of a particular mural.  Later, when the mural itself is designed, the images he has appropriated for the banner are replaced with actual people.  (friends, relatives and influences are often represented).

Dinner was a treat.  The turkey lasagna and baked ham were tasty.  There was a carrot-ginger soup which was really strong and delicious. There was salad and wines and a delicious persimmon-pudding pie for dessert.

After dinner, Daniel asked each of the artists to give him their slides to put into a carousel and we settled down to look at the work. The artists selected slides from their collections and pored and picked.  It was fun to watch them choosing works.  They seemed, despite their years of experience and their past successes, nervous to limit and choose and delineate.

The work is glorious. It spreads across bridges and under passes.  Along highways and walls. Up the sides of buildings and around corners.  Inside and outside.  There are many images and paintings I have seen before, have passed while walking through the streets of the City or cruising by on Muni.  There are many different representations of hard work and political activism.  Friends and helpers and assistants to the muralists who have worked side by side with them for years are here, too.  They call out names of faces they recognize in the works, “Hey is that your daughter? … That’s John, right there …”  The images bring back aging memories of hard work and fun times.

Miranda and Juana’s portion of the group mural project at the Women’s Building (on 18th street in the City) were shown.  The beautiful work by John Werhle in a public library in Northridge (down in L.A.)  Rigo’s big signs.  Paintings by Ed Casal.  The images were fast and furious and we looked at them for over two hours and didn’t even notice the time passing.

The discussion between the artists about techniques and materials was lyrical and beautiful to listen to, though without being a muralist it was difficult to understand (about chime and oils and cement and acrylics and panels and MDO board – all kinds of talk).

There was a feeling of camaraderie in the room and an open appreciation for the monumentality of these tasks (“the women’s building murals took thirteen months,” Juana says and silence fills the room), and for the true beauty of the works.

But there was an edge in the room of realistic cynicism.  Each of these artists struggle and fight against the continuing frustrations of their craft:  lack of funding for new projects, lack of funding for reparations and maintenance of old projects, the careless destruction of their work without their consent.  Then there is the underlying fact that the work is often ignorantly underappreciated.  Passed upon daily by blind eyes.

I feel that these people, muralists, are, have been for twenty years, more, decades, among the more courageous and beautiful of us in this area.  They endure, have endured and continue to produce work with a verity and conviction which shines of an affirmative hope.  It is overwhelming to see all of these murals, all these feet and yards and miles of painted walls and ceilings and bridges and FREEways.  It is beautiful and a little sad.

John Werhle, whose contributions to the visual landscape mean (and have meant for twenty years) so much to so many, says he cannot get commissions in San Francisco.  He is a gentle man to speak with and to be near.  He has a quiet, self-effacing demeanor and a graceful style about him.  The work he shows is alight with clouds and egrets and waters.  It is peaceful and playful work.

Miranda Bergman: what a driven energy she is.  Her words come from her lips like scuds. She speaks firmly and with conviction about the problems in Nicaragua where she has painted murals with Sandanistan children and had her work painted over with grey paint supplied by Sherwin-Williams, USA, to the Anti-Sandanistan government.  She tells of organizing and painting murals in Palestine with three other Jewish women muralists because she wanted to show the Palestinians that “all Jews aren’t Zionists.”  She jokes and laughs cynically about her frustrations and speaks openly about doing instead of talking, about achieving instead of wondering how.

Miranda’s friend and partner in representing the women’s building project tonight, Juana Alicia is the perfect foil to Miranda.  She speaks in her quietly strong voice and shows images of The Women’s Building and images of Nobel Peace Prize Laureate Rigoberta Menchu (” … my name belongs to all women.  They got my name wrong, it’s Menchu-tum because like everybody I have a mother.”) whose image graces the top of one side of the building.  Juana tells us that Menchu-tum said when she saw the women’s building that she feels “women are finally being heard.”

Juana Alicia also shows pieces based on the works of Juan Phillipe Herrera, Chicano Poet (whom she calls softly, under her breath, in the dark as she shows her slides, “Laureate as far as I’m concerned.”) and the poet Lorna Di Cervantes.

And there are so many more works and stories.  The causes and statements and purposes and representations of unheard voices are numerous. As if the only way some of these stories will be heard is by screaming in 50 foot letters on a wall.

Rigo got up and showed images of some of his works, including the three Capp Street Project-funded pieces from Rigo 95.  The famous “One Tree” brings respectful commentary but “Extinct” and “Inner City Home” are more popular with this activist crowd.  Rigo shows one of his pieces about Geronimo Ji Jaga Pratt.  (Still in prison without bail – 1997ce – ed.)

One of the purposes for this evening is for Daniel to show his friend J, the muralist from New England, what kinds of work are being done on the West Coast.  These artists represent the currency of a living tradition of West Coast mural art which dates back to the turn of the century and Diego Rivera through to Chicano and Latin American paintings of the late sixties and seventies. The representatives of this culture gathered together to show their works is impressive.

For his part, J.’s works are quite impressive, too.  They are long and tall and broad works.  He has been painting murals for fifteen years and exclusively murals for the last four.  His work is all over New England.  But it lacks the political edge of the other artists here.  It is significantly more commercial and corporate-based work.

A comparison of these methods and treatments of art and corporate advertisement brings to mind an interesting issue: the paint on the walls is hardly a few millimeters thick, but the depth of the meaning can vary so much from artist to artist.  Those few millimeters can be as deep as a river of ancient resentment or as shallow as a sideshow pitch.

After the slideshow, the artists and guests asked Daniel to show images of his own work. In particular we hoped to check out the as yet unseen Malcolm X piece.  Our host was humble and kind enough to oblige us and our curiosity gracefully.

The Malcolm X piece was glorious. Daniel showed slides of nearly the entire process of creation, including sketches and composites, from black-and-white versions through to the final colored and treated piece.  A fantastic montage of images from Malcolm’s life and times blazed across canvases.  It was an honor to witness.  The awarding of Daniel’s commission was well-deserved.

After the party we all went our separate ways.  Rigo and I headed back to the City.  (We were going to check out the Mormon Temple, but they had turned out their lights already – “I guess without caffeine they go to bed really early!” we joked)

It was a nice drive across the bridge at night.  The financial district buildings were alit with Xmas lights. I have driven this drive by daylight before and seen Rigo’s murals from the highway.  It’s good to be riding with headlights and turn signals.  We stopped back at C.’s salon on the way home for a nightcap and apple pie. Sally the dog welcomed us and I gave her some of my slice.

*****

Today is New Year’s Eve and it’s still cloudy and grey.  It’s another of these straggling Tuesdays and the office here where I am temping is empty.  “Why are we here?” some of the employees ask.  There is talk about what plans people are making to celebrate tonight.  How they will ring in 1997.  Rigo’s name will change in 12 hours.  Tomorrow is College Football Bowl Day.

I don’t tend to celebrate holidays anymore. I used to go through the motions, but along the way they have drifted out of importance. I want to spend my time well and live well, but I feel untethered to many of these clocks.

I am thinking about those muralists I met and whose work I see everyday and who continue to struggle to do what they love to do.  They are brave and strong.  Women and men with drive, energy, motivation and purpose.  They make, they do, they achieve so much so that all of our lives can be improved, so that smothered voices may be heard.

The sun came and went, rains came and went, the new years came and went.  Time passed.  The tradition of mural art progresses and time memorializes it.  We are blessed to have among us a Rigo and a Miranda Bergman, and a Juana Alicia. We are graced to have among us Daniel Galvez and John Werhle just as we were to have Diego Rivera.

The onslaught of commercial uglification may continue but silently, as continually, the struggle against it trickles along.

–M.T. Karthik, December 31st, 1996

(untitled), January 1995

17 Tuesday Jan 1995

Posted by mtk in poetry, S.F.

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would you be the one who holds my crundle of bastioning stoppards

when I am unable to go further into the gleamingly simple predicated suffixes

and hardened arteriole cavities of me

never

umpteen aged wrestling teacherdly cunts withered armlessly in time-tentacled illusiveates

cramming into stuffard-sized cratchets of nistik, mungley bramstoked prits

my own bringle of stolping camelized simmersoups was never englingly rude enoughage

sinjo slaythed the jargon

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M.T. Karthik

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This blog archives early work of M.T. Karthik, who took every photograph and shot all the video here unless otherwise credited.

Performances and installations are posted by date of execution.

Writing appears in whatever form it was originally or, as in the case of poems or journal entries, retyped faithfully from print.

all of it is © M.T. Karthik

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